Are You Submitting for the Right Reasons? Thoughts on Self-Esteem in BDSM for Submissives

by the Boi slave, with The Ethical Dom I've lost count of the amount of guys that contact us with a very generalised fantasy of kidnap and "no escape" TPE. Not experienced BDSMers, but those that have little to no experience. They usually want the Boss to turn up at their place in a van, bundle them up, and take them away — with no negotiation, no discussion, no safewords. The fantasy is total and immediate surrender. There's a common fallacy about submissives that we all lack self-esteem and self-worth. We all apparently desire submission because we feel we're unworthy. What a crock of shit. I wouldn't say I have particularly high self-esteem, but neither is it low. My desire to submit, as with most submissives in the community, runs far back into my earliest memories. I've been broken by life, for sure, but I had the luxury of having been involved in BDSM before a sexual assault knocked me off course. I say luxury, because facing my trauma with knowledge around consent that I had already gained from my community taught me something about my lifestyle that is incredibly valuable: the healing nature of Dominance and submission. However, for a D/s dynamic to facilitate healing, you have to have the right mindset going in. What Are You Escaping From? My first question when someone approaches us with that no-escape fantasy is: what are you escaping from? If you're feeling "broken," if you lack self-worth, if you have come to a point where you feel that you might be unworthy of love, I would urge you to think carefully about your steps into a D/s dynamic. One way to assess your desire to submit is asking yourself when this desire surfaced in relation to what's going on in your life. Did it emerge after a breakup? After a period of depression? After a job loss? That doesn't automatically mean it's wrong — but it demands examination. BDSM isn't a magical cure for everything that's going wrong in your life. It takes negotiation, training, patience from Dominant and submissive. I guess what I'm trying to say is this: in a Power Exchange, and in playing out our darkest desires and fantasies, there is indeed no escape. From yourself. If that's why you are rushing headlong into this lifestyle, you are letting yourself in for crushing disappointment. The Lightbulb Moments Long-term or permanent bondage can lead to incredibly powerful experiences for the receiver. During an extended bondage session, for the most part, it was honestly boring. That boredom led to what I would call a couple of lightbulb moments. You have nothing for company but your thoughts. In the right headspace, this can be hugely liberating. In the wrong headspace, it can be terrifying. That's the heart of it. BDSM has an extraordinary capacity for self-discovery and healing. But it requires you to be in a place where you're discovering yourself, not destroying yourself. If You Do Have Low Self-Esteem If you suffer from low self-esteem, yet have a genuine desire to submit, there is definitely a place for you in the community. But think mindfully about what it is you're asking for. A good Dom will build you up, not tear you down further. A responsible Master recognises that a slave's emotional and psychological wellbeing is their responsibility too. The D/s dynamic should elevate both parties — Dominant and submissive. If it isn't doing that, something's wrong. The right dynamic can absolutely be part of your healing journey. But it can't be the only vehicle. Therapy, community, honest self-reflection — these all have a role too. BDSM isn't a shortcut. It's a lifestyle that demands you show up as fully as possible. What are your thoughts? How have you confronted self-worth in submission or indeed in your Dominance? Maybe share an experience of long-term bondage that taught you something about yourself? Originally published at theethicaldom.com on March 20, 2022.