Red Flags in BDSM for Dominants and Submissives

Jamie is 24, relatively new to the BDSM community. Expressing a desire to become a slave in order to explore a long-term power exchange, he made contact with a "Master" online. This Master presented himself as experienced and authoritative. Within the first conversation, he had Jamie address him with specific protocols. Within the week, he was issuing rules: how Jamie must dress, what he must eat, when he must sleep. He had no time for a submissive's limits. As far as he was concerned, a true submissive should have no limits. He went on to teach Jamie some basic slave positions — a begging pose, a worshipping pose, the usual. During the third session, Jamie asked about safewords. The Master told him real slaves don't need safewords. This is where we start talking about red flags. The Story Behind the Flags Red flags aren't always dramatic. Some are blunt and obvious. Others are subtle — things that might seem like confident Dominance when they're actually warning signs of abuse. Let me give you a few scenarios. Scenario One: The Disappearing Person A Dominant opens with a standard get-to-know-you message: Dominant: "So tell me about yourself. What do you like to do in your spare time? What are your hobbies?" Submissive: "i am slave. i don't have hobbies." This particular submissive went on to express a wish to be dehumanised. I pointed out that he'd done a pretty good job of that himself — so what does he need me for? Red flags aren't always about signs of danger and risk. This one is relatively harmless and indicates how much work a Master may have in building up a potential slave, should they want the challenge. A lack of simple details doesn't bode well for potential 24/7. Both Dominant and submissive need to get to know each other on a personal level. You are entering into a relationship — not a transaction. Scenario Two: The Extreme Request Before Trust Someone you've spoken to twice online asks you to hand over your banking details, change your appearance, move into their home, or surrender your social connections — immediately, before any trust has been established, before any in-person meeting, before any negotiation. This is exactly why some experienced Masters utilise the protocol of having a clean-shaven slave, though this usually comes after or at least during a training process. An experienced Master won't do such things until they have established mutual trust. It's a classic story of an abuser preying on the naivety of inexperienced submissives, playing games with no gratification to anyone but themselves. What Jamie Should Have Done When that Master said real slaves don't need safewords, Jamie should have walked away. A genuine Dominant — one who understands what they're asking of a submissive — knows that safewords are not a limitation on power. They are an expression of trust. A slave who has a safeword and chooses not to use it is giving their Dominant a far purer form of surrender than one who has no safety net at all. The absence of safewords doesn't prove submission. It proves recklessness. Red Flags: A Working List Before you meet: - Resistance to negotiation or dismissal of limits ("You don't need limits with me") - Refusal to discuss safewords - Pressure to move fast — extreme requests before trust is built - Requiring secrecy about the relationship - A pattern of drama, past "crazy" submissives, community conflicts During interaction: - Not checking in or paying attention to your state - Proceeding with things you haven't agreed to - Anger or punishment if you express discomfort - Dismissing your emotional or physical wellbeing as weakness After scenes: - Blaming you for anything that went wrong - Using your vulnerability against you - Gaslighting — "that didn't happen," "you're overreacting" - Isolating you from friends, family, or community The Bigger Picture There are many potential red flags out there. This was by no means an exhaustive list. BDSM requires extraordinary trust precisely because the stakes are high. Someone who refuses to earn that trust, who shortcuts the negotiation, who dismisses your limits and safewords — they're not practising BDSM. They're practising abuse with BDSM aesthetics. The community has the vocabulary and the frameworks to protect you. Use them. Have you come across signs of unhealthy behaviour that need discussing? What would you add to this list? Originally published at theethicaldom.com on February 16, 2022.